Direct Methods of the Control Freak

Today, I’m looking at the roles that Control Freaks take, from Barbara Sullivan’s book, The Control Trap for women. We’ll first look at the “Direct” roles – The Boss, The Mother, The Nag, and The Intimidator. The next post will cover the “Indirect” methods described by Sullivan.

The Boss – She is the one who rules her whole household. Since her husband has evaded family problems and perhaps works long hours, The Boss has made it her role to manage everyone. Sullivan describes a mother who has bombarded her oldest son with all the reasons he shouldn’t go to college out of state, causing constant friction. Her son actually wants to go out of state to avoid her, but also feels vaguely guilty because The Boss now has an ulcer. When her husband or kids have a problem, she is there to “rescue” them.

The Mother – This woman is the type who mothers her own husband. A subtle example of this is when a wife reaches over and wipes her husbands chin while they are eating. She has crossed over the line to treat her husband like a child. Often The Mother is an enabler of a substance abuser. She “cleans up, covers up, makes up for him…scolds, punishes and then accepts back her wayward child.” She feels powerless to change her husband, all the while reinforcing the unhealthy pattern.

The Nag – Delilah, from the bible is an example of The Nag. Delilah repeatedly asked Sampson the secret to his strength, until she wore him down and he revealed it. The Nag drives her family away, causing her husband to avoid her and her children to ultimately rebel. She often doesn’t recognize her behavior, thinking she is just reminding or helping.

The Intimidator – She controls through simmering anger, erupting whenever things don’t go her way.  Family members are always checking with The Intimidator to see how she is responding. If she smiles, they relax, if she pouts, they feel shamed. Her family tiptoes around her, trying not to upset her, but all the while resenting her.

Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions? I do. If you want to change, ask your family members if they feel controlled by you. Let your spouse know that you are working on this and give him permission to lovingly point out when you are domineering. My husband and I have developed a just-between-us code for this, so it’s less threatening. Awareness is the first step to change. Make choices to turn away from control and ask God to transform you into the accepting person you were meant to be.

Are you a Control Freak?

     If your coworker or family member behaves in a way that bothers you, do you try to change them? Do you make unsolicited suggestions to others? Do you manipulate to get your way? If so, you may be a control freak.
     I confess that I, myself, am a recovering control freak. Many people, like myself, became controllers after having been abused or manipulated as children. When young people are shamed and disempowered, they try to regain a feeling of control. Fear of being violated again drives the need to be in control.
     As this issue surfaced in my life, God showed me that control is actually misplaced trust. Control trusts one’s self to feel safe, rather than depending on God. But how can we trust in a God who allows all kinds of destructive and horrific abuse to occur? One time, I screamed– “How could you let that abuse happen to me??” I heard His gentle answer, “Because I knew that one day, I would heal you.” Another time I wailed, “Where were you?” He replied, “I fell down the stairs with you.”
     God cares deeply about each one of us and wants us to be whole. When we dare to believe this, we can begin to heal on a deep level. When we start to follow the way of repentance and forgiveness, set up by our Creator, we begin to change. We need to bring before God our hurts and forgive those who have wounded and disempowered us. We also should turn away from the wrong ways we’ve responded to those who have hurt us. This process has many layers and can take years, but the results are sure.
     A major issue with control is it can look good, even beneficial. “I’m just trying to help my husband get to bed on time,” I may protest. But God is looking at my heart. Am I really trying to help, or is it that I want him in bed so I know where he is and what he is doing? If I am honest with myself, I am seeking to change his behavior so I feel safe. I am asking him to give up the dignity of making his own choices so I can feel a certain way. The Lord sees this as dehumanizing. Controlling behavior actually says, “I’m willing to use and abuse you to make myself feel safe or strong.” Control, then, taken to the extreme, is akin to rape. I don’t think anyone truly wants to be on that path.
     If you struggle with issues of control, it is vital that you see how destructive it can be. We must turn away from controlling others and release them into God’s hands. Repent and release. If you feel this issue is intractable in your life there is help. I’ve listed some resources below.
We were designed to live in harmony and peace, not controlling and manipulating one another. Let’s reach for God’s love and forgiveness and ask Him to transform us into the loving, giving people He intended us to be. Let’s take steps toward change so that those around us experience healing acceptance instead of confining control.


Resources:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
The Control Trap by Barbara Sullivan
Prayers that Heal the Heart by Virkler

Would God say that?

Recently the idea occurred to me to ask myself, “Would God say that to me?” So many different thoughts pass through my mind in a day, but how many of them are beneficial? While swimming in our pool the other day, I heard, “I am SO out of shape!” Then I considered, “Would God say that to me?” No, God doesn’t accuse me, he might correct or convict me, but he never accuses me. So I said to myself, “I’m getting stronger and stronger.”

Our very thoughts can predict our future. If we “know” we aren’t going to get that job, and so don’t even apply for it, we fulfill our own words. If we think, “No one is going to like me” we often act in such a way that people steer away from us. God created language and designed us to communicate with one another. Written into the very fabric of human existence is the power of words. Since thoughts proceed words, we should think about what we are thinking about. When negative thoughts come into our minds, we can speak into the opposite spirit. If I think, “I’m never going to finish this project” I can say, “By the grace of God I will finish.”

I want to challenge you, when a questionable thought comes into your mind, ask yourself “Would God say that to me?” Then speak into the opposite spirit. I’m going to put a post-it note up right now to remind myself. How about you?