Indirect Control

Today we will look at the roles women play when they control indirectly, from Sullivan’s book, The Control Trap. Indirect controllers usually have self-esteem issues and dislike direct requests or offers. They use subtle ways to undermine and manipulate people. Here are the roles these women take:

The Manipulator: This woman is usually quiet and unassuming. She often gives mixed messages, like, “It’s okay, I’ll just sit here in the dark, or “Bill seems like a kind person, but he sure could stand to lose some weight.” She plays on a person’s guilt to sway him. She won’t directly ask someone for help but will make them feel guilty or obligated so that they will help.

The Martyr: This woman also suffers from low self-esteem and has trouble receiving from others. She gives and sacrifices for her family, but if she received from them, she’d lose her superior position as the “giver.” Her family members feel guilty and obligated for all that the Martyr does for them. She comes off looking like a saint to outsiders, but she really has trapped her family in immaturity, as she doesn’t let them do things for themselves.

The Invalid: This individual uses illness to control people. If someone does something that upsets her, she gets a “head ache.” This shuts down communication and causes the family member to feel guilty for upsetting her. The Invalid’s sicknesses keep her at the center of attention. She expresses her desire to be a better parent/spouse but can’t give up the power being sick gives her.

The Mask: A woman in this role has an ultra sweet demeanor, always wanting to not be a burden and saying things like, “I don’t want to take up too much of your valuable time.” This makes it difficult for others to confront her. However, if you cross her, the mask comes off and she goes into attack mode.

The Flirt uses her feminine charms to control others. She knows just how to bat her eyes and fling her hair to get others to do things for her. Usually deep inside she harbors a fear of intimacy that keeps her from close relationships.

The Baby uses tears to shut down conversations due to their “upsetting” nature. She uses baby talk to protect herself from adult problems and conflict.

Sexual Politics – A woman may take advantage of her lower sex-drive to manipulate her husband. She may turn on the charms when she wants something from her husband or keep her legs folded if he doesn’t give her what she wants.

The Belittler uses subtle put-downs and jokes to control her husband. She tries to shame him, make herself feel better or to get him to change. She also might go on and on about how Sally’s husband took her on a Hawaiian vacation, implicitly chastising her husband for not doing the same.

Do you see yourself in any of these? I think everyone is controlling at times. Since low self-esteem is at the root of control one way out is learning to love and accept yourself. Take a year and study God’s love and let His love begin to change you. Most of the reasons we control are due to unresolved issues from our past. For that, I highly recommend healing prayer. See the book Prayers that Heal the Heart by Virkler.