Acceptance vs. Control

“Accept one another…” Rom 15:7

I recently asked myself, “What is the opposite of control?” My answer – Acceptance.
The word Accept, means “to accommodate or reconcile yourself to.” If I am focused on accepting someone, there leaves little room for controlling. One way to love others is by accepting them. According to Mautrana, love is to “Open up for him room for existence beside us” (from Tree of Knowledge). When we make a place for someone next to us, we accept him.

What if instead of saying “I love you” I said, “I accept you.” This can make us control freaks cringe. Some of us have a list of things we don’t accept about our family members or friends. Wouldn’t it be better if they changed? We feel safer having things our way. But it’s a false sense of security and puts our own wants, wishes and desires, above others. We’re saying what I want is more important than what you want, which is the antithesis of love.

I’ve been practicing acceptance lately and it’s not easy. My family members, on the other hand, seem happier. I’m learning that I can be content even when people aren’t changing the way I think they should. Maybe if I let others be the gift that they are, let them struggle, give them grace, we will all find more peace.

Dead End Dialogues

I love talking with my family and friends. There’s nothing more satisfying than a long, deep conversation. But haven’t we all had lengthy discussions with people where, afterward, we felt no closer to the person?  I recently had the revelation that  long talks can actually build walls. Now that seems crazy on one hand, because communication is the key to intimacy. So how can it build walls?

I’ve observed that when someone tells me every little detail about the trip she took or what she did last week, I find myself backing away. I have this picture in my mind of these bricks being placed one on top of another as the friend talks. Sometimes beneath this is a fear of rejection. I had this problem early in my marriage. My husband used to say, “I feel like you aren’t talking to me, you’re just talking.” I wasn’t sensitive to my listener. I was building walls.

Another intimacy blocker is to hide your true feelings. You agree with the other person, you nod and smile, but all the while you have another story in your heart and mind that you are withholding. A lot of talking may go on, but no resolution or intimacy results. Talking a lot can be a form of manipulation - you get attention from the other person but no intimacy - a dead end dialogue.

Do you have deep, satisfying exchanges with others? If not, try paying attention to your speech patterns. If you tend to talk a lot, ask yourself, “Why am I saying this?” And be honest with yourself. Also, check in with your listener – do they seem engaged or are they inching away from you? Are you hiding your true feelings in conversations? Take a risk and share your heart with someone you trust. We all have an opportunity, when we talk with people, to build intimacy or walls. What will you choose?