Dead End Dialogues

I love talking with my family and friends. There’s nothing more satisfying than a long, deep conversation. But haven’t we all had lengthy discussions with people where, afterward, we felt no closer to the person?  I recently had the revelation that  long talks can actually build walls. Now that seems crazy on one hand, because communication is the key to intimacy. So how can it build walls?

I’ve observed that when someone tells me every little detail about the trip she took or what she did last week, I find myself backing away. I have this picture in my mind of these bricks being placed one on top of another as the friend talks. Sometimes beneath this is a fear of rejection. I had this problem early in my marriage. My husband used to say, “I feel like you aren’t talking to me, you’re just talking.” I wasn’t sensitive to my listener. I was building walls.

Another intimacy blocker is to hide your true feelings. You agree with the other person, you nod and smile, but all the while you have another story in your heart and mind that you are withholding. A lot of talking may go on, but no resolution or intimacy results. Talking a lot can be a form of manipulation - you get attention from the other person but no intimacy - a dead end dialogue.

Do you have deep, satisfying exchanges with others? If not, try paying attention to your speech patterns. If you tend to talk a lot, ask yourself, “Why am I saying this?” And be honest with yourself. Also, check in with your listener – do they seem engaged or are they inching away from you? Are you hiding your true feelings in conversations? Take a risk and share your heart with someone you trust. We all have an opportunity, when we talk with people, to build intimacy or walls. What will you choose?