Are you a Control Freak?

     If your coworker or family member behaves in a way that bothers you, do you try to change them? Do you make unsolicited suggestions to others? Do you manipulate to get your way? If so, you may be a control freak.
     I confess that I, myself, am a recovering control freak. Many people, like myself, became controllers after having been abused or manipulated as children. When young people are shamed and disempowered, they try to regain a feeling of control. Fear of being violated again drives the need to be in control.
     As this issue surfaced in my life, God showed me that control is actually misplaced trust. Control trusts one’s self to feel safe, rather than depending on God. But how can we trust in a God who allows all kinds of destructive and horrific abuse to occur? One time, I screamed– “How could you let that abuse happen to me??” I heard His gentle answer, “Because I knew that one day, I would heal you.” Another time I wailed, “Where were you?” He replied, “I fell down the stairs with you.”
     God cares deeply about each one of us and wants us to be whole. When we dare to believe this, we can begin to heal on a deep level. When we start to follow the way of repentance and forgiveness, set up by our Creator, we begin to change. We need to bring before God our hurts and forgive those who have wounded and disempowered us. We also should turn away from the wrong ways we’ve responded to those who have hurt us. This process has many layers and can take years, but the results are sure.
     A major issue with control is it can look good, even beneficial. “I’m just trying to help my husband get to bed on time,” I may protest. But God is looking at my heart. Am I really trying to help, or is it that I want him in bed so I know where he is and what he is doing? If I am honest with myself, I am seeking to change his behavior so I feel safe. I am asking him to give up the dignity of making his own choices so I can feel a certain way. The Lord sees this as dehumanizing. Controlling behavior actually says, “I’m willing to use and abuse you to make myself feel safe or strong.” Control, then, taken to the extreme, is akin to rape. I don’t think anyone truly wants to be on that path.
     If you struggle with issues of control, it is vital that you see how destructive it can be. We must turn away from controlling others and release them into God’s hands. Repent and release. If you feel this issue is intractable in your life there is help. I’ve listed some resources below.
We were designed to live in harmony and peace, not controlling and manipulating one another. Let’s reach for God’s love and forgiveness and ask Him to transform us into the loving, giving people He intended us to be. Let’s take steps toward change so that those around us experience healing acceptance instead of confining control.


Resources:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
The Control Trap by Barbara Sullivan
Prayers that Heal the Heart by Virkler