Direct Methods of the Control Freak

Today, I’m looking at the roles that Control Freaks take, from Barbara Sullivan’s book, The Control Trap for women. We’ll first look at the “Direct” roles – The Boss, The Mother, The Nag, and The Intimidator. The next post will cover the “Indirect” methods described by Sullivan.

The Boss – She is the one who rules her whole household. Since her husband has evaded family problems and perhaps works long hours, The Boss has made it her role to manage everyone. Sullivan describes a mother who has bombarded her oldest son with all the reasons he shouldn’t go to college out of state, causing constant friction. Her son actually wants to go out of state to avoid her, but also feels vaguely guilty because The Boss now has an ulcer. When her husband or kids have a problem, she is there to “rescue” them.

The Mother – This woman is the type who mothers her own husband. A subtle example of this is when a wife reaches over and wipes her husbands chin while they are eating. She has crossed over the line to treat her husband like a child. Often The Mother is an enabler of a substance abuser. She “cleans up, covers up, makes up for him…scolds, punishes and then accepts back her wayward child.” She feels powerless to change her husband, all the while reinforcing the unhealthy pattern.

The Nag – Delilah, from the bible is an example of The Nag. Delilah repeatedly asked Sampson the secret to his strength, until she wore him down and he revealed it. The Nag drives her family away, causing her husband to avoid her and her children to ultimately rebel. She often doesn’t recognize her behavior, thinking she is just reminding or helping.

The Intimidator – She controls through simmering anger, erupting whenever things don’t go her way.  Family members are always checking with The Intimidator to see how she is responding. If she smiles, they relax, if she pouts, they feel shamed. Her family tiptoes around her, trying not to upset her, but all the while resenting her.

Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions? I do. If you want to change, ask your family members if they feel controlled by you. Let your spouse know that you are working on this and give him permission to lovingly point out when you are domineering. My husband and I have developed a just-between-us code for this, so it’s less threatening. Awareness is the first step to change. Make choices to turn away from control and ask God to transform you into the accepting person you were meant to be.